'Here's a random story' TIME

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Rocker, woke up in a swamp. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly frustrated, Rocker stroked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved milk carton was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Ambidextrous. Rocker had known Ambidextrous for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Ambidextrous was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Rocker called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.




Ambidextrous picked up to a very mad Rocker. Ambidextrous calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats panic before mating, yet albino cats usually earnestly panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Rocker. Why was Ambidextrous trying to distract Rocker? Because she had snuck out from Rocker's with the milk carton only ten days prior. It was a enchanting little milk carton... how could she resist?



It didn't take long before Rocker got back to the subject at hand: his milk carton. Ambidextrous sneezed. Relunctantly, Ambidextrous invited him over, assuring him they'd find the milk carton. Rocker grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ambidextrous realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the milk carton and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Rocker took the noise-polluting import, she had take at least ten minutes before Rocker would get there. But if he took the toilet bowl? Then Ambidextrous would be ridiculously screwed.



Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ambidextrous was interrupted by seven clueless Teletubbys that were lured by her milk carton. Ambidextrous shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she randomly reached for her carrot and thoughtfully stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the toilet bowl rolling up. It was Rocker.



----o0o----



As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Rocker was out of the toilet bowl and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Ambidextrous's front door. Meanwhile inside, Ambidextrous was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the milk carton into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Ambidextrous was displeased but at least the milk carton was concealed. The doorbell rang.



'Come in,' Ambidextrous wildly purred. With a inept push, Rocker opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish noble genius in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Ambidextrous assured him. Rocker took a seat just perfectly far from where Ambidextrous had hidden the milk carton. Ambidextrous cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Rocker was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Ambidextrous noticed a selfish look on Rocker's face. Rocker slowly opened his mouth to speak.



'...What's that smell?'



Ambidextrous felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Rocker asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the milk carton right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Rocker's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Rocker nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ambidextrous could react, Rocker carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The milk carton was plainly in view.



Rocker stared at Ambidextrous for what what must've been three seconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Ambidextrous groped sassily in Rocker's direction, clearly desperate. Rocker grabbed the milk carton and bolted for the door. It was locked. Ambidextrous let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Rocker,' she rebuked. Ambidextrous always had been a little oafish, so Rocker knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ambidextrous did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. Just as zero people expected he gripped his milk carton tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.



Ambidextrous looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Rocker. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Rocker. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Ambidextrous walked over to the window and looked down. Rocker was gone.



----o0o----



Just yonder, Rocker was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Ambidextrous's place. Rocker had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Teletubbys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the milk carton. One by one they latched on to Rocker. Already weakened from his injury, Rocker yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Teletubbys running off with his milk carton.



About two hours later, Rocker awoke, his prostate throbbing. It was dark and Rocker did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited bush, Rocker was very lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his milk carton was taken by the Teletubbys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little Teletubby emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha Teletubby. Rocker opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Teletubby sunk its teeth into Rocker's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Rocker's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.



Less than two miles away, Ambidextrous was entombed by anguish over the loss of the milk carton. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a quick thrust, she buried it deeply into her armpit. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Rocker... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the milk carton that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Teletubbys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(



LOLz!!